Colonoscopy Drama King.

Quick note: I can't whistle in tune. I have been trying all morning. I was whistling 'Monday, Monday' by the Mama's and the Papas, and thought I had it, until a guy at work walked by and said "Heeey, Star Trek, nice ". I frowned. Not only was I out of tune, but a trekkie as well.

Though my dad had already informed the family via phone call, voice mail, text (which was choppy, and for the most part impossible to decipher), he still felt it necessary to send out a mass e-mail informing family and a few lucky friends about his upcoming Colonoscopy. My father's e-mail was not merely an announcement, but instead an in depth, thorough exploration into the upcoming milestone event. My father concluded this awkward, and uninvited email with a few parting words "Hope all is well with you all. (all prayers accepted) MM". Wow. I like to think of my dad as a combination of Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, and George Castanza....and a little bit a Barry White (on a good day.....a very good day). I read through the e-mail, took a few long blinks, then did what any 23-year old daughter would do in this situation. I immiediately texted my big sister, asking her one last and final time whether or not I was adopted.
"haha....no", she texted in response. I scrunched my nose a bit, and frowned.... then my phone beeped, another text....from my sister! Perhaps she decided to tell me the truth!....
"Sorry", she said, knowing we shared the same reaction to my father's mas e-mail, therefore feeling my pain. Atleast I wasn't alone in this. Then, as soon as commrodory set it, so did insecurity, I quickly texted my sister again;
"Are you adopted!?!?" I asked.
"No...", she replied.
(Sigh of compassion) "Sorry" I replied.

So there I sat, the definitely not adopted daughter of Michael Meyers; Colonoscopy drama king. I decided to make the best out of my current genetic situation......and forwarded the e-mail to my friends :)

Meyers family tales have entertained friends, and small parties before, so I figured atleast this will bring some joy into the world. Perhaps I should provide a more in depth look at who my dad is. He lives in Seattle Washington with my stepmom Karen, who is basically the lovechild of Thomas Kinkaid, John Tesh, and the Lifetime Network. Every visit to my dad's has been the same for the past few years. I arrive around 7pm, starved, however according to my dad and Karen it is far too late to get food, and be home in time for bed.
"I don't wanna be home at Midnight Michaela!", he says. It should be mentioned that the aiport is only 30 minutes away from where he lives. I sit helpless in the backseat, chuckling on the inside, audible laughter would surely offend my father. Unfortunately I'm not good at holding it in.
"Dad....you guys are getting so old," I say, while I stare out the window imagining what freedom is like.
"Michaela! I am very youthful, both Karen and I are, we just saw a Los Lonely Boys concert not too long ago" He protests.
"Um....were you actually at the concert?" I ask, and I'm not a complete brat! There is some hope there.
"It was on Direct TV" He answers quietly, then pipes up to add "On the surround sound!"
This is where I bite my tounge, Karen has bad hearing, that's why the concert is on surround sound. My dad likes things quiet, at the whisper of a thrill the man is clutching his chest from startlement.
"Okay dad." I say, rolling my eyes...."I guess it is getting late"
"It's dark, and I don't want to hydro-plane"
"Dad, you can't hydroplane without rain.....its not raining"
"Michaela....we're in Seattle, statistically, it should be raining right now, and it very well still could."

So we drive on, arriving at home with just enough time for Karen and I to sit on the couch together (3 feet apart), while my dad shows me Bob's new tricks. Bob is my dad's Jack Russel Terrier, who's "tricks" consist of eating, sitting, and barking. Though my father claims his barking is commanded and easily heeled at any desired point in time. Maybe the dog is hard of hearing too. The rest of my visit consists of movies, Costco runs, and.....actually I don't know how the time passes.

Michael, Karen & Bob....family. We don't get to pick who our cheerleaders are in life, but as I am getting older, I can safely say, they are the most beautiful dysfunctional three amigos I could ever ask for :)

Cheer Up......kid with a mop top

I just watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I had an iffy day, so I figured why not watch a classic? I would have watched Little Women, but I thought it best to avoid crying. However now I find myself bitter and analytical, which is what happens when we watch our favorite childhood films. Why havent I learned to keep these movies in my memories vault, instead of digging them out and setting them for failure. Here let me give you a few examples;
Lets talk about that song that the mom sings about cheering up, good gosh, every kid in America is fast forwarding that part, its like the debbie downer song. I think the first time I actually sat through the song was tonight. She just keeps going and going, while Charlie wanders aimlessly in high water corduory pants. Here we have a single mom, who works 20 hours a day stirring a vat of laundry with a huge oversized wooden fork, and charlie gets one candy bar for his birthday. Geez if you cant afford kids lady, dont have em. No to mention the fact that they lived off boiled cabbage, werent they cooking cabbage? I dont even know, kids dont even want boiled things, they want candy bars. Oh and dont even get me started on the fact that all their grandparents lived together in that small room, can you imagine how bad that place smelled? unless however the fresh smell of the laundry was more powerful, you know? The laundry in the vat that was being stirred by a huge oversized wooden fork 20 hours a day, by an emo mom with inevitably expholiated pores......okay im done.

I should stop here before I get started on Flight of the Navigator.....what the heck was going on there! yikes!

well my eyes hurt.

so im done now.

p.s. how many of us have fallen over trying to dance backwards up the stairs like Willy Wonka himself......hm