cracklin' rose.

"He's mean."
"But he's so cute."
how many times have I heard this?
Date down and you'll never frown. That's my motto.

Well here I am....watching TV and there's a commercial for Puff Daddy's "Sean Combs" clothing line. Does he know that most of his clothes end up at Ross and TJ Maxx? Maybe someone should tell him. Like the owner of Reebok or Fila, because they reside there too. Today good day....minus the traffic. In Los Angeles the shortest distance between two points is at least 2 hours. Once I've nearly gotten in 3 accidents, examined my face in the rear view 5 times, and been creepily stared at by 2 men in the lane next to me....I know I'm almost to point B. I got hungry to today in traffic, so I started munching on some groceries, however the only accessible munchie were fresh carrots. No, not cute baby carrots, I'm talking Peter Rabbit fresh carrots. So there I was sitting in traffic eating garden grub, listening to music. There are two different kinds of music I keep in my car; One- music for other people, simple-minded passengers, and Two- my music...which ranges anywhere from Neil Diamond to Sound of Music. I know I'm not the only one who does that....we call have music in our cars that nobody else knows exists. Anywho, today it was Neil Diamond. I should also mention that I was wearing my "back-up" sunglasses. I call them my "back-up" glasses, because they never leave the car. I have a pair of cool glasses I allow other people to see, but the back-up glasses arent about style, they are there in case I have misplaced or forgotten my stylish glasses. The best way to describe the "back-up" glasses would be....1982 + the Golden Girls + New York + Jewish....can you see it? Yea, they're huge. Kinda fly-like. Let me remind you where we are.....traffic, carrots, Neil Diamond (cracklin' rose), back-up glasses. Unfortunately the growth of my money tree is stunted and at this point has yet to break free from its current state of being completely mythical. In order to save the gas I cannot afford, I do not use my air conditioning, but instead keep my windows rolled down. Unfortunately there is no breeze, because once again, I am in traffic and not moving. There is the sporadic stop and go, but this gives me no wind....it merely causes my car to squeal, my body to jiggle, and some lady to flip me off. On a shallow note, having my windows down invites other people to enjoy, or not enjoy Neil Diamond (cracklin' rose). There hath never been a more vulnerable picture than that of a single young woman eating raw carrots, wearing insect back-up glasses, singing Neil Diamond and sweating. And who rolls up beside me? A super handsome man? Worse......a white Mercedes full of high school girls. They laughed, one of them still had braces. They laughed and pointed. On there way to sushi to share a seaweed salad I suppose. When I graduated high school, I never thought that in 5 years, I would have socially and emotionally depleted to singing Neil Diamond and eating carrots....at the same time, while sweating....and the fly/bug/bee alien glasses....don't forget those. It's times like these we desperately search our memory for some sort of validation, some hope, some speck of worth....and almost only can only hear our mother's voice. "Your'e beautiful....I think you're beautiful". A mother's validation is like alcohol. At one point it makes you feel like you have super-human abilities and can also eat anything you want, but then you wake up the next morning...."why...how...ugh".

my mother may love me. but regardless of how special, precious, perfect, beautiful she thinks I am......my performance today as a woman, let alone a human being is certainly not one to be repeated.

Part of me, no thats a lie, all of me wanted to lunge through my open car window and pull the hair of the tween girl bullies in the neighbor, but I have to relax, take a deep breath and remember that they not only share one salad, but also one brain.